


Gold as Brass

by Kalypso



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: 221B Ficlet, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-30
Updated: 2013-12-04
Packaged: 2018-01-03 12:22:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1070423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalypso/pseuds/Kalypso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hiring a car to drive to the Lake District seemed like a good idea. It's the journey back which turns into a Withnailesque nightmare.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AJHall](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AJHall/gifts).



> This story was inspired by the fact that I kept suggesting there was a scene in _Withnail and I_ which would translate rather well into _Sherlock_ , and as far as I know no one ever took me up on it. So I had a go myself, and had to put a few more paragraphs round it, though I was determined not to let it turn into another case-fic after the last one got away from me. Some of it will make no sense to anyone but [AJHall](http://archiveofourown.org/users/AJHall). The title doesn't make much sense either, but I tried a couple that did and decided I liked this one better.
> 
> The central premise was jossed by Doylist issues in _The Hounds of Baskerville_ but I insist that the relevant scenes were hallucinations. Obviously John is the one who drives.

Hiring a car to drive to the Lake District seemed like a good idea at the time.

They had been called to the Coniston valley to investigate the giant ram of Subberthwaite. And John didn't think taking the train to Ulverston and then relying on taxis would work.

"You start twitching after twenty minutes on a train. By the time we got to Lancaster, you'd probably set fire to the carriage. And even if we reached Cumbria, it's the country, you can't just wave your hand and find a cab like you do in London."

"They have taxis in the Lakes," said Sherlock. "There was that gunman last summer..."

2010 had been a nasty year with mass murderers driving taxis, John thought bitterly. "Hardly a recommendation," he said. "Anyway, he was based in a town. We're going to be running around the fells. You do understand the concept of countryside? No pavements or streetlights? Let me get a car, then we can go quickly wherever we're needed."

As it turned out, their quest would have been quite impossible without the car, even if there was some off-road parking so muddy Sherlock had to push it while John tried to steer his way out... actually, John quite enjoyed that bit, particularly when Sherlock lost his footing and, arms flailing, skidded into the bracken.


	2. Chapter 2

It took three days to solve the case, but at last the Blawith fells were safe again for farmers, ramblers and children seeking adventure. The world may not yet be prepared for the story of the ram, but he was prepared for the patrons of the Red Lion in Lowick. And, turning down the pub's offer of a bed - Sherlock said he'd just had an urgent text from Lestrade - the detective and the doctor set off for London shortly after one in the morning. The rain, which had miraculously held off throughout the trip, set in as they hit the M6 and launched a full-frontal assault as they joined the M1, forcing John to a crawl.

"This is no use," he said after a while. "It's like driving through the finale of _Götterdämmerung_. I'm going to pull in at Newport Pagnell services for a rest."

"But you can't!" complained Sherlock. "I told Lestrade we'd be at the crime scene as soon as possible."

"We will be there as soon as possible. In the morning," John said firmly, as he turned off the motorway and headed into the carpark. "It's all right for you, you've been dozing for the last three hours..." (he ignored his companion's attempts at denial) "...but right now I need to get some sleep in the back. I'm bushed."


	3. Chapter 3

John was in a tank jolting over a mountain pass, under fire from the Taliban. "Hardknott's overrun," said the centurion. "We must get to Ravenglass and warn them!" A spear whizzed past, and a guitar was playing.

He woke with a start as the bed lurched - no, the back seat of a swaying car. He lifted his head, and... oh no. It was daylight, they were weaving between motorway lanes, and in the driver's seat...

"Sherlock! You can't drive!"

"Of course I can. I've observed the technique. Millions of idiots drive cars."

"But you can't... You need practice... lessons... a _licence_!"

"I have superior spatial awareness and timing. As you see, I'm coping perfectly. You didn't even notice when we started."

"Oh, the music was to cover the noise? I didn't _think_ you liked Hendrix."

Sherlock was silent, either concentrating on a near miss with a lorry or unwilling to admit that he had hit the radio button by accident. But even the late Jimi could not drown the growing wail of a siren.

"Stop! That's the police! Pull on to the hard shoulder!"

"What?"

"That bit at the side. Now!"

Sighing loudly, Sherlock swerved to the left and gradually halted. The police car parked just ahead, and an officer approached.

"Sherlock... have you ever _observed_ the use of the hand brake?"


	4. Chapter 4

"We're wasting each other's time, Sergeant," said Sherlock. "I'm here because I'm trying to _help_ the police. Detective Inspector Lestrade urgently needs my assistance at a murder scene. If you call him, he'll explain it's essential I arrive promptly."

"You might not arrive at all, driving like you were when I stopped you. I must ask you to take a breathalyser test."

"Completely unnecessary. My friend can testify I haven't had a drink in a week."

"Count me out of it," said John grumpily. "I had _nothing_ to do with this. I stopped at a service station because I was too tired to continue driving, and went to sleep with the key in my pocket. Which he must have picked..."

Sherlock's mobile rang, and he answered eagerly. "Lestrade? Oh... Sally... Look, can you speak to this traffic cop and tell him it's vital I reach you as soon as possible? He's trying to breathalyse me, which is ridiculous..." He handed the phone over.

"Yes... Driving erratically near Hemel Hempstead... Is he? Thanks for that... We'll hold him at the station until you come. Bye." The policeman returned the phone. "DS Donovan has kindly offered to collect you. She also says you're a known drug user, and suggests that, in addition to the breathalyser, we use the intervening time to test your blood."


	5. Chapter 5

Unsurprisingly, Anderson had also volunteered for retrieval duty, and kept outlining Sherlock's prospects. "There's careless driving - that's up to £5000. Same for driving uninsured, and under the influence..."

"...which the tests will show I _wasn't_..."

"And no licence! _Another_ £5000."

"£1000," muttered Sally.

"No, five."

"That's driving when banned."

"Doesn't make sense."

"It's more because driving when disqualified is a direct contravention of a court order," cut in Sherlock. "Sally knows because she did a stint on traffic, and you don't because you're even more ignorant about law than forensics."

Anderson glared as they turned into a yard festooned in police tape. "And probably a custodial sentence for dangerous driving."

"CID can sort it," said Sherlock, jumping out. "I was trying to arrive before you contaminated the scene. Lestrade! Show me what you've got!"

"No need," said Lestrade, strolling up. "We've arrested Ron Ackroyd."

"The cricket commentator?" asked John.

"And former Test opener, yes. Turns out he was in a spot-fixing ring. Killed a bookie who blackmailed him. I'm off to do the paperwork, so you can go home."

Sherlock opened and shut his mouth. John guessed his desire to review the evidence was tempered by his almost complete ignorance of cricket.

"Come on, Sherlock," he said. "And no taxi. With all these fines, you need to economise. Let's take the bus."

**Author's Note:**

> The original scene starring Withnail and I is [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-GGEJRz6So&list=FLViwdPNklkf-us65zchYvAg&index=22&feature=plpp_video). 
> 
> Another visit to Newport Pagnell services station by Martin Freeman may be seen at [Blake's Junction 7](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SZeZPWZuoA). 
> 
> Maximum penalties for road traffic offences may be found [here](http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/TravelAndTransport/Highwaycode/DG_069870) \- I didn't go into the penalty points as Sherlock doesn't have a licence (and neither he nor the DVLC has any intention of changing this position).


End file.
